A guide to buying the ideal Xmas present

A guide to buying the ideal Christmas presents

The first problem with Christmas is that you have to buy people, including clients, nice presents. However, there are some fabulous gift ideas out there. As a business person who wants to influence and impress, here is my pick of the gift bunch.

Top of my Santa list are underpants for squirrels. It’s not a joke, by the way. It’s what squirrels have always wanted.

For a younger age group, why not fire their little imaginations with a Drug Dealer Magnet Set. It contains everything, according to the blurb, to get them started in the drug trade. Such fun.

Or for an even younger age group, why not give a baby moustache dummy?

A rather nice present is a Fish Training Kit, although perhaps only useful for those who keep fish. It teaches goldfish to perform tricks, apparently.

Still on a pet theme, how often have you looked at your cat and thought how much nicer it would look if it resembled a 1970s Cher? I know I have. The answer is a kitty wig.

But maybe your pet doesn’t want to wear a wig, but does want to look tough and super-cool on those cold nights prowling the neighbourhood. What’s needed, obviously, is a pet hoodie.

Having got the children and pets sorted, how often do you lie awake worrying about that half avocado in the fridge. Will it be brown and inedible by the morning? Will the evil drug magnets

have sold it for cocaine? Now we can all sleep soundly again with the specially-designed Avocado Saver. Clingfilm would just be too silly.

Some good ideas have inexplicably not made it into the shops this Christmas. For example, the coat parachute. That was the brainchild of Franz Reichelt who in 1912 fell to his death off the first deck of the Eiffel Tower while testing his fantastic new invention.

Or the hot-air balloon that, for propulsion, is first attached to an eagle or vulture (patented 1887). Of course, it does also involve capturing a suitable avian raptor (but what else is Boxing Day for?). Its one minor drawback is that you can only then travel where your bird wants to go.

Others have perhaps not made it into the shops on the grounds that they might be illegal – for example, the plough (patented 1862) that handily doubles as an artillery piece. I don’t see the problem myself, especially if the kids have been told by the fridge magnets that they need a bit of firepower.

Other great ideas include inflatable fruitcakes, emergency yodeling machines, toilet bowl mugs, Jedi dressing gowns, or best of all, glow-in-the-dark toilet paper.

Lastly, on presents, you could just splash out on a (real) flying hovercraft (a snip at $160,000) or, even better, a dual-function car-aeroplane. ($350,000, excluding pilot’s license).

Whatever you give to your best clients and customer, I hope they appreciate all

the hard work you do for them during the year!